Spring may have just started, but who are we kidding? It’s just the opening act. Summer is the real star of this production called Life! To get you in a buoyant mood, we’re offering some friendly tips on purchasing bathing suits so that when you’re ready to jump into the deep end and make a sartorial splash, you’ll swim, not sink.
Check out our 7 Swimsuit Do’s and Don’ts!
The Board Short
Do: wear if you’re tall and have more legs than a bucket of chicken.
Don’t: wear if you’re short, lest everyone thinks you’re trying to make palazzo pants for men happen.
Do: wear if it looks like you spent last summer snatching medals in London.
Don’t: wear if it looks like you spent last summer snatching crumbs out of your loose jowl skin.
Do: wear if it doesn’t matter ’cause we can see your abs anyway.
Don’t: wear if you’re denying women the right to vote.
Try: (Best to try a vintage store, but if all else fails) $17.99, sketchy eBay store in China
Do: wear if you’re “average” height, i.e. somewhere between pocket gay and giant. Really, you can’t go wrong with a mid-thigh trunk, it’s like the male swimsuit version of the little black dress.
Don’t: however, try to pass it off at a cocktail party — you know how the children are.
Try: Brioni Mid-Length Houndstooth Check Swim Shorts, $395, Mr. Porter
Do: wear if you’re the aforementioned pocket gay (it elongates the gams) OR your legs look like they can, and have, choked out a bear — of either the forest or Scruff variety.
Don’t: wear if you’re Jon Hamm trying to avoid a wardrobe malfunction.
Try: 2″ Angeleno Print Swim Trunk – Goa Flame, $125, Parke & Ronen
Do: wear if you’re an international man of mystery.
Don’t: wear the knee-length version unless you want to spend the afternoon racing a bunch of d-bags who think they’re better swimmers than you.