Every March 17, we’re provided with an excuse to get drunk and make fools of ourselves (not that we ever need one). Although St. Patrick’s Day isn’t usually thought of as a gay holiday — quite the opposite, in some cases — there are a few facets of the festival that are downright queer.
Beards
The kind you wear on your face, not the one you marry — although that offers some extra queer overtones, too. Guys who slap on faux beards suddenly become this month’s bear centerfold, and women who don fake facial hair on St. Patrick’s Day are being all kinds of gender fluid.
Speaking the Mother Tongue
Ireland’s native language is Gaelic. I heartily endorse any holiday that encourages straight people to say “gay lick” repeatedly.
The Parade
Who doesn’t love a parade? Green revelers gathering en masse, sign us up! Over the years, the parade has become less about the vague Catholic holiday it celebrates and more about having a party, akin to Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
Guinness
Thick. Dark. Smooth. Creamy. Good head. Six pack. Your beer sounds like a Grindr profile, bro.
Famous gay Irish people
Oscar Wilde was more Irish than the Lucky Charms leprechaun and gayer than a 3 pm brunch. Also gay and Irish? Francis Bacon, Graham Norton, Stephen Gately, and Sinead O’Connor. Irish-American lesbians can count Rosie O’Donnell among their numbers.
Wearing green
Whenever people plan costume requirements for their shindig, I hear Miss Vida Boheme from Too Wong Foo in my head saying, “This party craves a theme.” Your holiday has a dress code? That’s drag-caliber gay.
Drunk Straight Guys
No one likes an obnoxious frat boy drunkenly vomiting in the gutter. But a straight dude that’s just “drunk enough” can be a blessed thing. Look, it’s an exciting day, everyone’s had a lot of whiskey, and that “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” button doesn’t specify who should plant that smooch. Besides, in the morning he can just pretend he doesn’t remember anything.
Heck, if you go to a St. Paddy’s Day party that’s wild enough, two dudes might even break-dance naked in front of a huge crowd.
