1. I’ll tell you what my mamma used to say: Keep drinking—no one likes a quitter!

2. Waking up next to someone you don’t remember cures or at least delays any hangover.

3. In Ireland it was said that the cure for a hangover is to bury the ailing person up to the neck in moist river sand. If you don’t have moist river sand handy, just bury them in disappointment and guilt. (Ask any Jewish or Catholic friend how this works.)

4. Ride a bus in any major city. After five minutes of looking around, you’ll instantly feel better about yourself. This alone should kill that hangover magically by making you reach for that vodka flask you hid in your jacket pocket.

5. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate—especially with a mimosa breakfast.

6. Have some overpriced, douchy coffee with a little rosette on top of it.

7. Watch OWN reruns for four hours. Then take a nap, followed by an entire pot of coffee and eating your hangover away. If the coffee doesn’t do it, you may in fact be dead inside.

8. Have a Bloody Mary–or five.

9. Look at yourself under any department-store florescent light. The horror of it all will help you come to your senses more quickly.

10. If all else fails, between cocktails chug a cups of bitters and soda. (Yes, some of these tips are just plain practical. Thank me later.). It’ll settle your stomach and help you pick up the pieces of your life.

11. Buy tickets to see me at Punchline Comedy Club in San Francisco January 23. You can also read my blog at Yurikagan.com.