A Handy Guide To Where The Republicans Will Be In Tampa Bay

Aug 24, 2012

Assuming Hurricane Isaac doesn’t put the kibosh on the whole thing, the Republican National Convention is getting a belated start soon in Tampa, Florida. (You gotta wonder if anyone’s gonna say the storm is God’s judgement on small-minded bigots.)

Any time you have a big number of Republicans gathering,  you just know there’s gonna be a lot of drinking, carousing and whoremongering. (The Onion’s faux news segment on area hustlers expecting record sales from closeted Republicans is apparently not that far from the truth.)

According to a study conducted by Baylor University professor Scott Cunningham, sex ads placed online jumped from 25% to 40% in time for the 2008 conventions in St. Paul and Denver. Tampa bathhouse Ybor Resort has gone so far as to let the delegates sneak in through the back door for free.

It’s exciting to think the GOP delegates might bring a boost to support local businesses,but escorts can’t satisfy every Republican’s needs, right? We’ve created a GOP City Guide to Tampa and the surrounding areas with something for everyone, whether they’re a Log Cabin Republican, a politico on the down-low or an avowed hetero (yeah, right).

WHERE YOU MIGHT FIND:

Mitt Romney
It’s not like we’ve seen Romney’s tax returns but we’re pretty sure the GOP presidential nominee-to-be can afford more than one night at the lavish Renaissance Vinoy Resort.

Paul Ryan
Lucky us, Romney’s choice for veep happens to be a handsome dude who looks good with his shirt off. We’d be lying if we didn’t want to see him half-naked on stage at Manilow’s (right), Tampa’s go-to gay strip bar.

Ron Paul
Ron Paul is going to get his own tribute video at the convention. As a little congratulatory treat, we suggest that Paul stop into the CupCake Spot.

Chris Christie
We figure that the burly Governor from New Jersey will need more than cupcakes to satisfy his appetite. For power feeders, Cappy’s Pizza, the Chicag0-style pizza joint in nearby St. Petersburg, hits the right spot. If Christie is looking to drum up some support, he might want to check out the local bear den, the Sport Bar.

GOProud prez Jimmy LaSalvia
We imagine the openly gay president of this gay Republican club will have a lot of time on his hands—what with his party paying him no mind. We expect Jimmy might kill an afternoon getting manscaped at the Wax Cabana

The Closet Cases
Ok, so closeted Republicans have heard of Ybor Resort‘s promotion, but did you know that Tampa has several gay bathhouses: The Tampa Men’s Club is a sex den disguised as a workout facility, while Rainbow Cabaret offers skin-flick screenings and a stage.

Hurricane Isaac Evacuatees

If  Isaac ends up crashing the entire convention, you might find some of our favorite sex-negative politicians and delegates at The Castle (right), a nightlife complex complete with a tower, saloon and dungeon.  (You know, to dry off in.)