We’re at episode 5 of 11. This means it’s time for everyone’s midterm grades…
Ryan: In this episode he helps Edwing populate a fashion show with models—Austin, Derek and Nyasha—who all hate each other. During the course of the hour he has a fascinating heart-to-heart with Austin. It’s fascinating because you get to see, side by side, how expressive Austin’s face is versus the contrasting glassy-smoothness that is Ryan. In Ryan’s hand is a mug with Ryan’s face on it, an object you hope Logo is mass-producing to sate demand for breakfast ware emblazoned with the images of Great Gay Leaders In History. At the end of the episode, when all the models are finally verbally assaulting one another and Ryan runs interference, his face finally turns up its corners into an approximation of Christmas Day joy. Grade: A-
Edwing: We finally learn what he does. He’s not merely a stylist—that shop he works at is his own. All those Hansel-And-Gretel-Turn-Sex-Worker garments you see modeled in the fashion show are designed by him. This means he’ll never be a fully-fledged cast member because he’s too busy chasing his own extravagant vision. Insane people need stuff to wear to NA meetings, too. Also, he is still named Edwing and that’s hilarious. Grade: B+
T.J.: Tries on a sparkly woman’s dress and wig in Edwing’s shop. Because they were just lying around. Screams, “YOU DO. NOT. HIT. A WOMAN” in his best Nyasha conniption impersonation. The only problem is that there’s not enough of him in the episode. Also, he has shaved and that’s strange to look at. Grade: B-
Rodiney: Has taken someone’s bad advice and decided to consult an English language coach to help him pronounce words like “uncomfortable” properly. DON’T DO IT, RODINEY. Your Samson strength comes from being this show’s Charo. Somebody on the Logo production staff needs to take him aside and help him understand how to play to his talents. Later in the show he poses in leather straps and other sex gear in the Los Angeles desert for nearly-non-existent cast member Mike Ruiz. Rodiney is pleased to do it “half nake” in order to, “show how strong Rodiney are.” Grade: B-
Austin: Talks to everyone at least once in a variety of empty restaurants and, during each exchange, becomes a cautionary tale of pronoun usage. For example, at one point he says, “[The possibility of exposing my half-boned wang in Playgirl magazine is] causing a big rift between Jake and I.” Do me need to explain you that him using all wrong object of sentence? If Rodiney weren’t pursuing a restraining order against Austin, the self-improvement-minded Brazilian might be able to help Austin out with all those pesky grammar rules. Late in the episode, while fighting ineffectually with Derek and Nyasha at the fashion show, Nyasha pulls out the big bitch guns and aims right at Austin’s Playgirl zone. Austin cries. And cries. Dude, there is no crying in interpersonal zero-sum games. Man up. Grade: D-
Playgirl: Smarmy and weird and cheap. They offer Austin practically nothing to pose naked. You want a reality show cast member’s half-hard thingy in the your magazine? Then pay for it. Don’t be jerks. Grade: F
Reichen: Displays a modicum of, oh I don’t know… something, when Austin protests that his inability to use the right words in conversation is due to his not being, “Mr. McNally who writes a dictionary.” Reichen’s retort: “McNally is maps.” Grade: B
Derek: Extremely quiet for most of the episode, which is nice. Normally when he talks it’s like a choir of cruelty-charred tanning angels screeching a taunting hell-chorus to all the starving children of the world. Derek, Jesus would like you to forgive Austin for whatever it is he did to you that one time that you probably don’t even remember now. I know I don’t. But Grade: A, for all that enjoyable silence.
Mike Ruiz: Goes to a charity event. Does his job. Takes his sweet old dad around everywhere he goes. Loves his boyfriend. Never bothers anyone. Is still too boring to be employed here but appears to be made of so much goodness that he probably shits warm batches of sugar cookies. Grade: D+
Mike Ruiz’s Dad and Boyfriend: Equally long-suffering. Grade: A
Nyasha: Finally earns her A-List wings by fighting with Reichen over absolutely nothing and then unleashing a barrage of insults at Austin that turn him into a blubbering mess. She’s condescending, imperious, cruel and obsessed with being respected while offering none in return. “SHE’S NOT A NICE PERSON!” sobs Austin after telling her, “You’re a dark soul.” It’s a statement that only gives her more ammo to blast back in his face. That’s right, dude, she’s not a nice person. Duh, that’s why they hired her. Woman’s just doing her job. Grade: A+